Setting: The North Pole
Object: Crutches
Pole to Pole
FADE IN
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
CHRISTINE, a perfectly coifed Asian woman in a tropical print dress addresses the camera.
CHRISTINE
They've made it to the finals. Our Pole-to-Pole contestants have traveled for hours, and now arrive at their secret destination.
Behind her, a huge screen shows brightly a painted helicopter landing on a vast expanse of ice. A CREW MEMBER opens the door, and helps 4 CONTESTANTS step out. They wear blindfolds.
EXT. THE NORTH POLE - DAY
CAMERA OPERATORS, MIC OPERATORS and CREW swirl around the helicopters.
The 4 blindfolded contestants, 2 men, 2 women, are taken by the hand and walked to a flag stuck in the ice.
They stand there, attempting to look heroic.
In the background, a head in a pointed cap pops up from a crack in the ice. No one sees it, and it ducks away again.
Trucks and generators are all on one side, leaving the view behind the contestants empty and imposing.
THE DP walks out from one of the trucks, and shouts
THE DP
And...cut. Keep your blindfolds on. Stay in place, OK.
The contestants are bundled up in fashionable gear.
TOM, late-30s, square-jawed and not much over 5'2", flaps his arms across his chest.
TOM
Fuck it's colder than a witch's tit out here.
BRANDI, 21, with blonde braids and cocoa skin, tilts her head, and puts her hands on her hips.
BRANDI
Are you for real? Who says that?
TOM
Hey, can you fucking guys get it together? Are we ready to proceed here already?
The camera operators huddle together. They ignore Tom.
CHAD, mid-20s, tall with dark hair, is shifting back and forth, and tugging at the neck of his coat.
CHAD
Where are we? I didn't think anyplace was this cold in July.
STEPHANIE, late-20s, perks up.
STEPHANIE
Actually, the seasons in the southern hemisphere are reversed. They must have brought us south of the equator.
She tilts her head back, trying to see under her blindfold.
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
CHRISTINE
Unbeknownst to our finalists, one camera has continued to film them.
On the video screen:
TOM
All I know is this [beep]-ing place is [beep]-ing cold and I'm [beep] [beep] that this is taking so [beep]-ing long.
BRANDI
What is it with you and that mouth?
CHAD
I just hope this doesn't chap my skin. I don't want my cheeks to be all red.
EXT. THE NORTH POLE - DAY
The DP approaches, camera and crew move back in place.
THE DP
All right, folks, we're going again. And five, four, three
He motions 2 and 1.
The contestants put on their game faces again.
One of the boom operaters seems to have shrunk in size. And... are his ears pointed?
The contestants pull off their blindfolds with clumsy, frozen fingers. They look around.
TOM
Well, I'll be f....
He looks at the camera a moment.
TOM
...a monkey's uncle.
BRANDI
You have a serious problem. I don't know what kind, but you got it.
CHAD
We're...nowhere.
He spins in a circle.
Stephanie pulls a compass out of a pocket.
She excitedly steps up and down, and starts bouncing around.
STEPHANIE
This is so cool! Do you know where we are?
The others just look at her.
STEPHANIE
The North Pole!
CHAD
Where are the elves?
Brandi rolls her eyes.
The tiny boom operator slowly backs away, and slips away from the crew. An ASSISTANT carrying coffee sees him, and his jaw drops.
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
Christine walks over to a stage with a stripper pole, and the logo "Pole to Pole".
CHRISTINE
They've danced all over the world. Now, our contestants must dance in freezing temperatures, on a pole at the North Pole.
INT. LARGE YURT - DAY
The floor is ice. Chairs are set up in front of a small stage with a stripper pole. Heaters are set around the stage.
The contestants stand in front of it staring.
STEPHANIE
I suppose the pole might be warm enough once the heaters get going.
TOM
Fuck this.
He stops out of the tent.
CHAD
I never understood how that troll made it this far.
EXT. THE NORTH POLE - DAY
Tom stomps past the crew trucks, muttering. Something catches his eye. He goes to a crack in the ice, and suddenly the elf reaches up, grabs his ankle, and pulls him down.
He gets stuck a moment at chest height, struggling to pull himself back out. Then stops.
TOM
Fuck me.
He disappears from sight.
INT. LARGE YURT - DAY
The other three contestants are at a sound board, getting their songs ready to go.
The elf darts out, holding a pot, and runs to the stage. He smears something greasy on the pole.
INT. LARGE YURT - LATER
A small audience hoots and hollers, while music plays.
Chad stretches, to the side of the stage, with big movements designed to draw attention. Stephanie hobbles on crutches.
Brandi, in a sexy dress, tries to dance, but can't get any friction on the pole. Every time she tries to climb up it, she slips down fast.
The audience boos.
She makes one last desperate attempt, flinging her legs upward, and wrapping them around the pole - only to slide down and land hard on her butt.
BRANDI
Someone greased this pole.
She hobbles off the stage, fuming.
Chad steps up, rips open his coat, and flings himself at the pole, trying to swing around it. His hand slips off, and he ends up falling off the other side of the stage.
CHAD
Ow. Not fair.
Suddenly, Tom walks in, wearing shades. But...he's even shorter. And his clothes are baggy. It's the elf.
The other contestants stare.
ELF
Fucking cue my goddamn music, bitches.
A moment of dead silence, and then a song starts.
The elf hops onto the stage, and whips off his scarf. He wraps it around the pole, and shimmies as he rubs it up and down, cleaning the pole.
Off come the hat and sunglasses. The audience gasps.
INT. TV STUDIO - DAY
On the big screen behind Christine, Tom, Brandi, and Stephanie sit in the yurt, bandaged. Stephanie's crutches are beside her.
CHRISTINE
And now, based on your votes from all across the nation, our first Pole-to-Pole champion!
The elf comes out, wearing nothing but a tiny thong and shades. He looks like a male model - shrunk in the wash, with pointy ears.
ELF
Thank you! Ever since the workshop branched out into adult toys, this has been my dream.
He takes a bow.
FADE OUT
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